I’m back ladies and gentlemen! Early 2016, I decided to go back to school and pursue postgraduate professional courses. Like many Kenyans, I presumed that because I was joining a college; not one of the grande universities, I would have an easier time. What actually happened-through the better part of the year-was the clock ticked into the witches’ and thieves’ hours of the night while Whitney stayed up reading. Anyway, I’m alive and still sane (which is what matters) and much love to all those who wrote to me asking when I would put up my next post. Well, here it is!
So my long-time friend, Lavender, just got her first job and boy isn’t she excited! I invited her over to my place over the weekend to spoil her with a congratulatory wine and dine. Yeah, I’m those kinds of friends *flips wig*
I happen to have worked in a ton of organisations; governmental, non-governmental, private media companies and more. Consequently, I can throw in a valid point or two in regards to the different kinds of employees to expect in organisations. If you’re just getting your feet wet in employment like Lavender, then welcome aboard. If you’ve been in employment for a while now, yet oblivious to the types I’m about to name, then consider this article an eye-opener.
She is loose verbally and sexually. In some organisations, colleagues tolerate her whereas in other organisations she is reprimanded publicly. Whatever the scenario, best believe everyone hates and disrespects her with a passion. She also tends to be vulgar and start conversations which prove that she’s vacant upstairs. You really don’t want to respond or contribute to her filth unless you want to hop on the Becky wagon. Not worth it a tad bit!
“What if I want to be a Becky?” Lavender asked chuckling.
“Honestly…just kill yourself!” I responded.
Lavender burst out, “Haha…anyway, go on!”
This one uses evil spirits and satanic rituals to dominate the organisation. They tend to be super friendly. Some use food, snacks, clothing etc., to lure their targets. Beware of colleagues who, for no reason bring you food and/or snacks from home meant just for you. The sorcerers are usually under performers yet seem to be so relaxed and the bosses usually seem blind to their redundancy. Their goal is to kill competition and reign over authority. Whilst other employees may be genuine and friendly, others are rattle snakes. Pray and watch your back.
“1 Peter 5:8 says: Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour,” I read.
“Preach sister. Preach,” teased Lavender.
“Hallelujah!” I shouted, lifting my hands up.
These are the brains of the department and thus fuel the growth of the organisation. Some are anti-social, others just calm. Most tend to wear spectacles, keep kinky hair and drink a lot of caffeine and/or alcohol. They are also the best at what they do and when the person is absent from the office, no one can cover for them. The majority tend to be such techies.
“They sound boring,” said Lavender.
“Well, I’ve found them to make good friends especially if you love learning new things. However if you’re having a slow day…steer clear. All the ‘did you know’ they’ll bombard you with will surely leave you with a headache,” I said.
He knows and utilizes all the tricks in the book to get women in between his sheets. He is usually physically attractive and/or wealthy. Most are charming, nice dressers and have a good sense of humor. Just watch for that ninja who is always on his phone and from all the giggling he cannot be striking a business deal. His biggest targets are interns and newbies. In some organisations, Tricky Dicky is well known and he knows about his reputation but he’ll vehemently deny and say he’s been accused by haters.
“So how do I tell he’s a Tricky Dicky when I’m still new and can’t ask around?” Lavender asked.
“The basic rules apply; if he’s trying to get you to the club or asking you to noisy, alcohol-related gigs then he’s not interested in anything serious,” I said.
The Good Samaritan
Selflessly helps their colleagues out. It could be offering an IT solution or helping set up and advocacy message to offering you a snack. In one of the organisations, a boss from a different department asked me to improve some graphic design work for her. Afterwards, she sent me chocolate and a post card on which she expressed gratitude. Being an intern, this obviously set me apart from the other interns, socially and professionally.
“I bet you still have the wrapper locked up in a safe place,” taunted Lavender.
I replied, “Not without a photo shoot!”
These are the snitches. They may not work in Human Resource department but definitely influence employment decisions. They tend to know who comes in late and who leaves earlier than is allowed. They also know who is sleeping with who and which employee has a side hustle. Some of them are nosy enough to know where you live, who you live with and the number of opposite –sex guests who frequent your house. They are also state of the art gossips and rumor mongers. They tend to be the eldest in the organisation. Those closest to retirement are the worst. They are often grumpy and sneering. They are immensely threatened by the millennials. You can know them by how they look at you when you walk by… checking if your skirt is too short or tight for work. Then of course there’s the actual HR department. Be right with this department…please.
Individuals in the habit of borrowing money. The ones I’ve come across are usually support staff e.g. the cooks, tea girls etc. As money struggle is real, you really don’t want to follow the cook around reminding him to pay you back. Bottom line: The rarely pay back. They continue to borrow staff after staff. Some debtors turn to managers and even the CEO to ask for money. These tend to be women and usually target men and compassionate women and use pitiful stories of not having money to feed the children at home. Faced with this situation, I’d prefer referring the debtor to my financial advisor.
The Life of the Party
They know what’s popping in the current age of entertainment evolution. They aren’t necessarily people who club a lot but they are out going. They come in handy when planning weekend getaways, team building, corporate events, weekend office bonding gigs, end of year party etc.
Smart, confident and super stylish. Her work is up to par and so is the standard of neatness on her desk. She tends to be loving and lovable as well and sort of gets along with everyone including Becky. Her smile is genuine and refreshing which makes her easy to confide in. She’s rarely alone and tends to have followers like those in high schools. Which brings me to the next and last group.
Team Dead Fish
Just as the dead fish in the sea are swayed in whichever direction by the tides, so are these followers of Queen Bee. They lick boots and kiss ass all day. They are usually quiet, timid and have nothing interesting going on about them. You’ll notice them taking up traits of Queen Bee. For example, if Queen Bee likes to wear red lippies and rock six inch heels to work within a few weeks of time spent in QBs circle, she’ll be grasshopper-walking in 6 inches as well. Team Dead Fish tend to be the most overworked employees and probably low earners.
“That’s sad!” Lavender said.
“Yep! If you don’t know who you are someone else will show you who to be.” I said.
Let’s face it: You have met many more types of employees where you have worked. What am I missing here? Let me know in the comments and I’ll surely add it in! Also, what type are you and how is it working for you? It’d be swell to hear from you as well.